I, just as everyone else, am a sinner. Throughout the course of 2025 I began feeling a change inside of myself. Almost like I was being shown the real me through a different lens. So I promised that in 2026, I was going to be different in the way that I thought, acted and reacted. Which coincidently, during the duration of this first month, has caused it to be even more conflicting. Instantly being tested and tempted more intensely than before. With the very things and thoughts, I was convinced that I could and would do away with. Some of which I thought that I already had done away with. Causing me to accept the powerful reality of the fact that this journey will be never ending. That it is going to be a new battle each time and as soon as the sun rises. With no cheat days, no days off, just complete consistency. But after spending so much time in a world of darkness, although this is not how I viewed it while in it. I viewed and accepted it as normal unfortunately. Justifying and excusing everything I was doing because of the numerous traumatic events that happened over the course of my life. But changing deeply ingrained ways of thinking and feeling, acting and reacting, even coping. Regardless of the emotion or situation, essentially almost everything about me. Has turned out to be more daunting than I ever dreamed it would be. Because I’ve been doing all of it my way for so long, that I just assumed, this is just who I am. Instead of viewing all of it how I should’ve been, as sin, which I have now been shown. Causing me to become overwhelmingly ashamed and embarrassed at the amount of sin that I’ve committed on a continuous basis for such a long time. Like, most of my life. And what makes this feeling worse is that fact that while I was doing all these things, I deep down knew they were all wrong. Because it didn’t matter whether I was sad, mad, scared or nervous. My reaction was the whole, “go with what you know”. Almost like a sense of something similar to Stockholm Syndrome. Because my answer or remedy to almost anything, was pretty much never prayer, or seeking the presence of God in any way. Well, except for when it felt like it was my last resort. Instead of being my instinctual and instant go to. This is what I’m working to change, everything. Day by day, night by night. Knowing that it will not be overnight. Knowing that I have to keep going, regardless if I relapse, slip up or give in, in a moment of weakness. But I must repent before I can rebuild, because I cannot carry these things alone any longer. I have trusted in myself and others instead of trusting in God. Keeping things that should’ve been given to God. Always thinking that I could handle it all, that I could handle anything. That was until it all completely and utterly crushed me. I was mentally and emotionally just smashed flat. Nothing but negative emotions engulfing me. So, this is my journal and account of my journey. God bless.